Gamers Are Assholes

Now, in my "favorite video games" article some time ago, I mentioned that, personally, I'm not much of a gamer. And by that, I mean I'm not very good at them. I enjoy video games. They've been a large part of my life. However, I'm just not very skilled. So, perhaps it's with a little envy, or perhaps just a boat load of frustration, when I tell you, the folks who are good at them are mostly a pack of arrogant cum stains who I wish would die in a horrible fire that kills their parents and pets as well. Hardcore gamers are jerks. If you're not one, that is. I'm guessing that, if you are one, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. You're that deeply immersed in the gamer culture, attending Penny Arcade conventions (those guys are pretty cool, though), rawking out on Guitar Hero all night long with your pals, shitting in a daiper as you level up your troll warrior mage on some MMORPG. Treating Madden games like they're actual sporting events, and you are an actual athlete. I'm sure, to you, this is the life, this is prime, this is paradise. And that's fine. But it's not to everyone. Some of us just plain like to play video games, now and then, to relax, or to break a little bit of bored tension. We pop in Wii Sports or Animal Crossing. We play Super Smash Brothers, not for tournaments, not for bragging rights, just for the hell of it, because we like to see what Mario can do against Sonic, or visa versa. We have other things to do besides play video games. That's fine, too, right? But that's not good enough, is it? As soon as we step into the arena with one of you folks, the gamer elite, somehow, we're garbage, we're scum, we don't deserve to darken a PS3 in the company of such brilliant champs like you, standing tall on your potato chip pedestal. No, if you get anywhere near one of these people, everybody else, they will disdain you. If you've never played the game they are playing, they may not even allow you to play based on your lack of skill. If it's a versus game, they will destroy you, even if it's your first time playing, and then they will mock you. These people are assholes. They act like they're doing the world a fucking favor by playing video games. Like they're great artists. Like they fucking designed the video games they're playing! They should fall down several flights of stairs into a brick wall lined with rusty nails. I've been laughed out of arcades for DARING to play on the same arcade rig that some self-modeled champion of coin-ops and his group of followers were at. I must have not approached the machine with enough baseless swagger or smelling enough like rotten cabbage. Anime otaku will always get guff about being fat and smelly, some of which they deserve, but if you ask me who the smelliest bunch at anime conventions I've been to were, I'll give you the same answer every time: the gamers. The guys who drink hard all night then stumble into the gamer rooms in the morning, having not showered or even face washed, and will immediately clear away all onlookers so that they may grace our human world with their divine video game playing. And they will remain in position all day, each day. If they do, by some small miracle, move from their place, one of their diciples will take their place, shooing their lessers away. No, no you can't play Marvel vs Capcom, anime boy, go pose with your Narutard friends, we're playing VIDYA GAMES here, and they're SERIOUS BUSINESS. The Lord of Consols will return soon, after he shits in the sink at the convention center and steals a sandwich from some unsuspecting Hamtaro cosplayer. Stay back, stay back, he is among us now! Watch, watch as he plays as Wolverine! Oh, praise player of Wolverine! Stay back, you untouchable! Stay in your place! And so on. Generally speaking, you aren't providing a service to anyone by playing video games. There's no reason to discount others just because you spent twenty hours learning button combos to make Chung-Li blow an elephant while she's farting fireballs and I was just learning what evolution stone to use on my Eevee. Gamers are a plague. And you know what? I was HAPPY when Jack Thompson went after you smug little fuckers. No, I detest censorship, and I don't think violence in video games does that much damage. But I'm just fucking glad you all got riled up, because, frankly, I hate you. I hate gamers. I'm going to button mash every time I play against you self-important bastards. I hope you get multiple sclerosis with arthritis and a side of glaucoma, and can never play your precious Tekken ever again. May a Frogger machine crush your first born. ADDENDUM: Okay, I've calmed down a little. Maybe gamers aren't a bad crowd, just some of the more obnoxious tournament fighter players and Guitar Hero "musicians". The worst of the bunch stand out way more than the average gamer. A lot of them are still dicks that should have their roofs cave in on them. Also, clerks at video game stores are pretty douchey, too. They sneer at every choice you make and offer no good advice. They try to get you out of their store as soon as possible so that they can return to playing first person shooters and talking about stealing sandwiches from Hamtaro cosplayers. Hm, now wasn't I supposed to be calm? Gamers still piss me off.