Comic Book Resources Bullshit

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So yeah, banned from another message board. Maybe the problem is me.

 

But also, maybe the problem is sycophantic Grant Morrison devotees who will do anything to stamp out even the most reasoned dissension, or even the possibility of it.

 

You be the judge. (And then I'll overrule you.)

 

Cast out of paradise! Cursed to walk the Earth, ever marked and alone, reviled and chased!  What do you do when you're branded and you know you're a man(child) ?

 

About, oh, I don't know, maybe four or five months ago, I joined the Comic Book Resources' message board. CBR is a website that previews, reviews, and discusses comic books, mostly cape books, usually from the Big Two, but also independent publications and even manga from time to time. Every week they spotlight previews for that week's new issues, and there are several blogs and sub blogs that highlight different aspects of comic books and comic book fandom. The site has won several awards, and is actually quite a good read most of the time.

 

But holy fuck are they a bunch of spunk gurgling spastics, especially the oversensitive staff moderating the message board. They hit the reset button on the forum and made everybody sign up all over again last month after some posters were threatening a staff member for writing an article deeply critical of the cover to the relaunch (of the relaunch) of the Teen Titan comic. It was a particularly crappy thing to do to somebody over an article about how breasts aren't as round as Kenneth Rocafort thinks they are. But to completely reset the message board over the actions of a few people? What a bunch of wispy pussies. What a pack of sobbing alarmists. What a clan of undignified pansies.

 

Anyway, if there's one inviolable, holy figure that is worshipped in this temple of geekdom, it's Scottish twat and professional Lex Luthor impersonator (oh, and he writes comics, too) Grant Morrison. Morrison is well known for taking obscure superhero characters nobody in their right mind have cared about and actually using them to make books people find interesting, like Animal Man, Doom Patrol, or the Seven Soldiers of Victory. He also wrote the genuinely excellent All-Star Superman mini-series.

 

This ponce is the Pope of Comics, apparently. Only you can criticize the Pope.

 

Oh, and he wrote Batman for several years. And by that, I mean most of Batman. Most of anything Batman. And boy is it just fucking horrendous. I'm taking about the most vile, unreadable, incoherent, poorly-paced, unpleasant run of Batman comics since the Silver Age, but without the excuse of the Comics Code, so he could be abhorrently dark at the same time he was wanking guys like John Broome and reaching into some of the Bill Finger stories we're almost glad he didn't get credit for and weaving them back into continuity in bizarre ways.

 

So, of course, it was extremely popular. A popularity I cannot, for the life of me, ever truly comprehend. I've read his Batman run, Batman & Robin, Return of Bruce Wayne, and a good chunk of Batman Incorporated. It's one poorly conceived idea after another, with a lost son conceived by rape, a bunch of colorful and useless stereotype superheroes from around the globe, one of the most stupid, incompetent evil organizations imaginable, a prose story about the Joker where he has a Glasgow smile (something I'd rather get than having to read this shit again), and references to things Post-Crisis writers had burned in a giant fire, like Bat-Mite and the original Batwoman, who should have stayed there.

 

Naturally, I wasn't going to stand for this shit. So yeah, I did much of my patented super-bitching, but not usually so overtly, mostly in a biting but not outright hostile manner. It's not like I signed up on CBR to just bitch about Grant Morrison's Batman run, though even if it was a thorn in my side that it was so freakishly, impossibly celebrated by the denizens of the geek community, but practically poured over, memorized, and celebrated by CBRites like it was holy texts. I signed up to talk about comic books. Mostly Batman and Superman, but I've talked about other superheroes, too, especially during events like the recent Forever Evil series (which really did seem to go on forever, though ended quite well).

 

 

It's just that Morrison's Batman run gets brought up ALL THE DAMN TIME, hailed as some grand masterpiece all works have to life up to. It's more like a child painting the wall with his own feces that they just put a big sticker price on as abstract art. It's garbage that I wouldn't line a birdcage with and Grant Morrison is the most overrated writer I have ever encountered as a comic book fan. But what's worse than Grant Morrison's Batman run? Fans of Grant Morrison's Batman run.

 

Fans like the moderators of the CBR forums, and likely the general staff, who are still shitting their pants in anticipation of Morrison's next multiversial abomination, Multiversity, which looks like the scraps of Morrison's Final Crisis, but is treated like it's the creation of the New Testament by the cretinous halfwits who tout their unmitigated glorification of this bold bald bastard. And anytime I so much raised a sarcastic remark against the onslaught of positivity towards the man's work, I was taken to the back room and beaten senselessly with warnings and bannings for the simple audacity to state, "He's kind of terrible guys. The writing style is all over the place, his ideas are bizarre and unnecessary, and his popularity confuses and worries me, because this Batman run is clearly not very good. Even though he's done good work before, this clearly isn't it."

 

For the temerity of criticizing Morrison's work, I was warned by the staff. When asked for an explanation why, I was given the vaguest hints as to why. Then I was finally banned forever, again without being told which particular message board post was the offending post.

 

I can't imagine NOT criticizing that massive behemoth of slime that is his Batman run. For fuck's sake, in his first storyline it's revealed that Talia Ghul drugged Batman in order to conceive Damian with him (RAPE), and Batman barely registers a complaint about it. That's how he chose to start. And he ends his run with the brutal murder of a 10 year old boy at the behest of his mother, the aforementioned rapist, and now global threat to humanity. Grant Morrison actually RAPES BATMAN. That's not an exaggeration. He writes a story in which the Caped Crusader turns out to have been the victim of rape by a woman he's already willing to have consensual sex with... AND THEN IT'S NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN. No confrontation, no consequences, Talia goes, "Yeah, I totally raped you" and then proceeds to murder hundreds of people and kill her son. Well, I guess once you're a mass-murderer, a rape doesn't really stand out. Except, you know, it still kind of does.

 

Okay, this part was pretty cool.

 

And in between those lovely book ends, time-traveling Bruce Wayne, a guy who claims to be Bruce's father but is really this guy from a Peter Milligan storyline that's much better than the Grant Morrison timeline that nobody actually believes is Bruce's father, Jason Todd being The Punisher still, Tim Drake being largely ignored and losing his past and future job, three Batmen trained by the police, and Batman opening up little McBatman franchises worldwide.

 

And this... ungodly abomination.

 

What a giant epic of utter shit. If I was drowning and holding on to a floating copy of Grant Morrison's Batman run (it would probably sink, though, folks) was the only way to survive? I'd probably spend a little time underwater before I reconsidered. I wouldn't send it to my worst enemy (though since now my "worst enemy" is CBR, they probably already have dozens of copies of everything in the run, so it wouldn't be punishment for them).

 

 

I defy you to find the post or posts I wrote that might be considered bannable offenses. Go on. Go to Comic Book Resources' forums right now. Look up "Penguin Truth". Here's some help. Scroll through my posts. Show me the evidence. Grant me the boon of explaining why it is I was so rudely dismissed from CBR's forums, which, by the way, outside of the rampant Morrison ass slurping, was actually pretty decent, and a huge step up from hanging around /co/ and its angry Korra threads.Where am I going to talk about how criminal it is that DC doesn't put out new collections and reprints of Batman stories from the 70s and 80s now? Damn it.

 

Much like Kanzenshuu, which banned me for sticking it to people who kept bringing up the same damn dismantled fan theory in every thread and making new topics just so they could sneak it in as conventional wisdom, I probably wouldn't return now if they begged me. And no, I'm not holding out for it, either. I'm pretty sure nobody will miss me there, and any of my attempts to be witty or insightful just sort of blended in, between all the loud orgasmic screams of the moderators and board members who can't stop raving about how Grant Morrison's Batman is the bee's knees, the wasp's nipples, the entire set of erogenous zones of every major flying insect of the Western world (what is he, Wonko the Sane?).

 

At least I understand the Kanzenshuu ban. I'd been pretty insulting towards the gibbering troglodytes that kept insisting "GOHAN IS OOC IN CELL GAMES", even if they had deserved it, and had already several warnings based on some even worse behavior. I won't agree with what happened, but I at least understand it in the abstract. The CBR ban? Come on. It's not like I called Grant Morrison's mother a bad name. I just think his Batman run's terrible.

 

I haven't gotten to Flex Metallo yet. I suspect a ridiculous parody character is the proper place for a shiny knob like Morrison. Just like the proper place for his Batman is in the trash bin.

 

- Penguin Truth
(2014)

 

Hey, I'm feeling pretty good getting that all out. Maybe I won't even post this now. I can take the high road on this, mature a little. Maybe I'll finally realize that the problem is me, that I'm just lashing out because of my own, deep-rooted insecurities and inability to let things go! It might not be too late! Maybe my better nature will defeat me and I won't press sa

 

 

 

I FUCKING WARNED YOU NATTERING TWATS THAT THIS OFF-TOPIC SHIT WOULDN'T BE TOLERATED. COMMENTS ARE CLOSED.